im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
