Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
