Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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