so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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