I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
