got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
