i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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