Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
