gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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