so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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