Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
