During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I FOUND THE LEGS
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
