I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
