i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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