o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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