My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
