textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
