good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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