my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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