how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
