Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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