I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
