I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
