I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Randomize
