I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
