these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
