Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
