You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
