There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
