this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
