sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
