Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
