she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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