Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He passed out mid-signature
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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