My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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