You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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