I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
