My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
