Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
