his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
