i need an iv and a liver transplant
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
