My liver just broke up with me...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
