I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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