what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
