non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
