life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
