Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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