I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
