So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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