why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
